Posts Tagged Trump
Borowitz Report – Trump Says John Roberts’ Birth Certificate is Fake
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Borowitz Report, Humor/Parody on June 29, 2012
POSTED JUNE 29, 2012
Trump Says John Roberts’ Birth Certificate is Fake
Traces Chief Justice’s Birth to Village in Kenya

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Controversy swirled around John Roberts today as billionaire Donald Trump claimed that the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court had a fraudulent birth certificate.
Mr. Trump said that these are the findings of a team of personal investigators he retained just after ten o’clock yesterday morning.
According to these investigators, Justice Roberts, who claims to have grown up in Indiana, was actually born in a mud hut in a tiny rural village in Kenya.
Furthermore, Mr. Trump claimed, “So-called John Roberts’ father was a village witchdoctor who forced all of the villagers to submit to his shamanic treatments, whether they wanted them or not.”
While most of the mainstream media seemed skeptical of Mr. Trump’s allegations, Sean Hannity of the Fox News Channel called them “very concerning,” adding, “It’s time that the American people learned the truth about John Hussein Roberts.”
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Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on June 28, 2012
Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day
The multibillionaire stares at his aging, deteriorating form in the mirror.
NEW YORK—Real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump reportedly stood before his bedroom’s full-length mirror Wednesday morning and stared forlornly at his aged, shriveled penis before getting dressed and leaving his residence in Manhattan’s Trump Tower to start the day.
According to reports, the 66-year-old had laid his suit out on his bed and was preparing to step into a pair of silk boxer shorts when he glimpsed his deteriorating body in the mirror. Trump then spent approximately 15 to 20 minutes morosely reflecting on his appearance, dedicating most of that time to gazing at his desiccated sexual anatomy and contemplating its all-but-total lack of function.
“God, look at this thing,” said a dejected Trump, hoisting up a large quantity of belly flab with his forearm to make his stunted organ visible. “Pitiful.”
Trump, who in just over an hour would be appearing on the morning show Fox And Friends to assert that the president of the United States was not an American citizen, is said to have grasped the bulb of his penis with his thumb and forefinger and stretched the organ to its full 3-inch length before letting it go and leaving it to loll on an unruly tangle of mostly gray pubic hair. Noticing the pronounced droop of his scrotum, Trump glumly cupped his testicles in his hand and lifted them several inches until they reached the approximate height at which they had hung in his youth and even into early middle age.

Sources say Trump sat on his bed and lightly shook his head for a full five minutes.
At this point, Trump is purported to have released the heavily crinkled pouch and sighed deeply.
“What the hell happened?” said Trump, who appeared to receive no reassurance by swiveling and viewing his shrunken penis in profile. “It’s just…dead.”
Sources confirmed Trump then received a phone call from an Associated Press reporter asking him to respond to charges that he was a “blowhard” and a “bully,” allegations Trump managed to address despite his preoccupation with the condition of his sexual organ.
“I’m rich and famous, and everyone wants to be me,” Trump told the caller, all the while struggling to recall the last time he was able to achieve even a partial erection. “That doesn’t make me a bully. That just makes me better than most people.”
“There’s never been a success story like mine in the history of America,” continued Trump, who briefly tipped the phone away from his mouth as he licked his palm and began tugging on his penis with a loose fist. “I’m a phenomenon, and I don’t care who knows it—of course, everyone already does.”
Upon disconnecting, Trump continued to stroke vigorously for three full minutes before giving up in exhaustion.
Shortly thereafter, Trump reportedly turned his attention to the remainder of his body, miserably noting in his reflection the complete absence of muscle tone in his arms, the vast network of wrinkles on his face that showed through despite a freshly applied layer of bronzer, and the loose flesh on his neck, which he pulled taut several times with his thumbs. According to sources, Trump then attempted to shake free of his melancholy by rising to his toes in a boxing stance and pantomiming a series of punch combinations, an effort that quickly embarrassed him and intensified his gloom.
“Sixty-six years old,” said Trump, who has an estimated fortune of $2.9 billion. “What’s 70 going to look like? And 75? What the hell am I gonna do then?”
Gazing over at the clothes neatly laid out on his bed, Trump added, “Goddamn it.”![]()
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Borowitz Report – Trump Could Help Romney Win Elusive Billionaire Asshole Vote
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Borowitz Report, Humor/Parody on May 29, 2012
POSTED MAY 30, 2012
Trump Could Help Romney Win Elusive Billionaire Asshole Vote
Bid to Woo Top .00001%

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Businessman Donald Trump’s endorsement of former Governor Mitt Romney could help the presumptive GOP nominee win over the support of a constituency that has been cool to him thus far: billionaire assholes.
Reportedly, the top .00001% wealthiest Americans have regarded Mr. Romney with suspicion to date, wondering, in the words of one billionaire, “if he’s really one of us.”
“It’s a bit of a reach for us billionaires to vote for someone like Romney, who just has a couple of hundred million in the bank,” said Grayson Rance, a billionaire who has so far viewed the former Massachusetts governor warily. “But if a bona fide billionaire asshat like Trump is for him, that makes you give the guy a second chance.”
Mr. Rance said that it was hard to believe that Mr. Romney, “who only owns five or six homes, could relate to people like us and understand our problems,” but that Mr. Trump’s thumbs-up “counts for a lot.”
Speaking on CNN’s “Situation Room,” Mr. Trump told host Wolf Blitzer his reason for endorsing Mr. Romney: “After four years of a President who was born overseas, its time for a President who was born here and sends his money overseas.”
As for Mr. Romney, he experienced a rare emotional moment on Memorial Day, placing a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Banker.
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Mitt Romney’s losing gamble on Donald Trump – The Washington Post
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Politics, WTF on May 29, 2012
Mitt Romney’s losing gamble on Donald Trump
Posted by Chris Cillizza at 01:39 PM ET, 05/29/2012
Late last week Mitt Romney’s campaign unveiled its latest fundraising gambit: Donate just $3 and you are eligible to have dinner with reality star Donald Trump — and, oh, yeah, the former Massachusetts governor will be there, too.

“Donate today and you are eligible for a chance to win: Airport transportation in the Trump vehicle;” a “stay at the Trump International Hotel & Tower New York;” a chance to “tour the Celebrity Apprentice Boardroom;” and an opportunity to “dine with Donald Trump and Mitt Romney,” reads the message on the Romney campaign Web site.
But wait, there’s more! Romney will also join Trump tonight in Las Vegas at a fundraiser.
All of this Trump talk begs a simple question: Why is Romney associating himself with a man who is the public face of the debunked idea that President Obama wasn’t born in the United States and, perhaps more importantly, a man whose sole principle in life is self-promotion?
The Obama campaign quickly sought to make political hay out of the Trump-Romney connection.
“Mitt Romney’s continued embrace of Donald Trump and refusal to condemn his disgraceful conspiracy theories demonstrates his complete lack of moral leadership,:” said deputy campaign manager Stephanie Cutter. .”If Mitt Romney lacks the backbone to stand up to a charlatan like Donald Trump because he’s so concerned about lining his campaign’s pockets, what does that say about the kind of President he would be?”
The Romney team tried to downplay the Trump tie. “Governor Romney has said repeatedly that he believes President Obama was born in the United States,” said spokeswoman Andrea Saul. “The Democrats can talk about Donald Trump all they want — Mitt Romney is going to talk about jobs and how we can get our economy moving again.”
The argument forwarded by defenders of the Romney-Trump alliance is centered on two ideas: money and the base.
On the money front, these defenders argue that Trump’s celebrity brings in a different kind of donor — including precious small dollar givers — that Romney might not otherwise attract. (The fact that the donation point — $3 — is so low is indicative of the belief within Romney finance world that Trump does have appeal among these small dollar donors.)
In regards to the base, Christian Broadcasting Network’s David Brody laid out the argument this way:
“Associating with Donald Trump gives Mitt Romney a way of being brash without being brash. Trump is popular with a certain portion of the GOP, the portion that Romney doesn’t connect with. Trump’s bravado is not necessarily a bad thing for Romney because it connects him to a flamethrower and his audience without having to throw the flames himself.”
True enough — on both fronts.
But, dig a little deeper and it becomes more difficult to understand how the benefits of aligning with Trump outweigh the costs.
In terms of money, does anyone really think that Romney is going to have trouble raising the cash he needs to be competitive with President Obama? In April alone, Romney and the Republican National Committee collected more than $40 million — roughly the same amount Obama and the Democratic National Committee brought in last month.
There’s no doubt that Trump can help at the margins in terms of raising money but with Romney/RNC expected to collect north of $800 million for this election, cash isn’t going to be a problem for the nominee.
When it comes to speaking directly to the base, it’s absolutely true that Trump’s brashness is more appealing than Romney’s stuffed-shirt business pragmatism.
But, poll after poll suggests that the conservative base of the party quickly aligned behind Romney once it became clear he was the nominee. The simple reality is that while Romney makes very few conservative hearts go pitter patter, the base of the Republican party so dislikes/distrusts President Obama that they are going to be with whoever offers an alternative to the current occupant of the White House.
Romney’s task is not then primarily to unify his base but rather to reach out to independents. And, polling suggests Trump won’t help in that regard. In a December 2011 Washington Post-ABC News poll, 41 percent of independents had a favorable opinion of Trump while 47 percent saw him in an unfavorable light. And in a January Post-Pew poll, more than a quarter of people (26 percent) said a Trump endorsement would make them less likely to support a candidate while just eight percent said it would make them more likely.
The best argument we have heard for Romney’s recent embrace of Trump is that when the Donald speaks, the media covers it. He has a microphone and so you’d rather have him in the fold than acting as a free radical. (That’s the classic “best of a bad situation” argument.)
Even still, it seems like too risky a gamble for Romney to associate with Trump. Regardless of whether Trump is allied with Romney or not, Trump’s first, second and third concern is and always will be what is good for him.
Trump is, at this point in his life, largely an entertainer and a celebrity. He goes where the attention is. (Does anyone really believe that Trump thinks President Obama wasn’t born in the United States?) In other words, Trump will be with Romney until he decides it is no longer advantageous for him to be with Romney.
Romney is playing by the rules of the game for a politician. Trump has no concern — and almost certainly disdains — those same rules. Allying yourself with someone who is playing by an entirely different set of rules (or no rules whatsoever) is a very dangerous game.
Case in point: Trump tweeted this morning that “.@BarackObama is practically begging @MittRomney to disavow the place of birth movement, he is afraid of it and for good reason. He keeps using @SenJohnMcCain as an example, however, @SenJohnMcCain lost the election. Don’t let it happen again.”
And on CNBC this morning, Trump had this to say: “His mother was never in the hospital, they don’t know which hospital it was, his grandmother said he was born in Kenya. It all wouldn’t matter except if you’re born in a foreign country.”
So, that happened.
Democrats are already working to take advantage of the Romney-Trump link and you can bet that if The Donald makes any other impolitic comments between now and November (and he almost certainly will), the Obama campaign will try to make Romney answerable for them.
White House spokesman Jay Carney called the chatter about President Obama’s birth certificate a “ridiculous distraction” at his daily press conference today.
When it comes to Romney’s gamble on Trump, we’re with conservative columnist George F. Will. Said Will over the weekend on ABC’s “This Week”: “What voter is going to vote for him because he’s seen with Donald Trump? The cost of appearing with this bloviating ignoramus is obvious, it seems to me.”
Mitt Romney’s losing gamble on Donald Trump – The Washington Post.
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Donald Trump – Kingmaker? | breezespeaks
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Entertainment, Government, Politics on December 7, 2011
Donald Trump – Kingmaker?
Posted on December 6, 2011
It seems Donald Trump, a favorite whipping boy of mine, has once again finagled his way into the limelight, and is scheduled to moderate a Republican Presidential debate on December 27th. This has prompted some of the saner candidates – Romney, Paul and Huntsman – to quickly bow out of what is sure to become a three-ring circus.
Jon Huntsman, who should be a viable candidate but is too moderate for the hard-core conservatives, said it was a “joke” that The Donald was even involved. This caused Trump, who has never shied away from a public feud, to fire back.
“Every candidate, virtually, has come to my office and they don’t want my money . . . they want my endorsement.” Notice how he qualified that statement with the word virtually? The only person I have seen seeking out The Donald was Newt Gingrich, the snivelling snake who will do anything, and say anything, to be President. But I think Trump was intimating that Huntsman called in search of The Donalds approval. Trouble is, Huntsman sees things differently.
“I called his office one time when he dropped out of the race – as I did with Tim Pawlenty – just as a gesture of kindness,” said Huntsman. Considering he feels Trump is a “joke” I doubt he was looking for his seal of approval. But The Donald doesn’t always see things as they are.
“I mean, he has just such low polling numbers that he was cancelled out of Saturday nights debate,” Trump said of Huntsman, looking to take this feud public. Anything for publicity.
This morning on Fox News, Trump was confronted with a poll that said over 60% of voters consider his endorsement more hurtful that helpful, but that didn’t faze Trump. “I don’t believe those numbers,” he said. Facts are irrelevant to The Donald, who’s ego is almost as big as his hair, which can be seen from outer space.
“After the debate I’m going to endorse somebody,” he told Fox’s Sean Hannity – which amounted to a meeting of the mind – but he added he still might run himself. He just loves stringing the press along. Why do they give him the time of day? He has no intention of running, and he never has.
I agree with Huntsman; Donald Trump is a joke. His very presence at a Republican Presidential debate shows how far the Party has sunk. Trump might bring in better than average ratings – which is all he wants to do – but he will not bring anything else to the table. He is more likely to start trouble with his antagonistic ways (see O’Donnell, Rosie.) If he doesn’t like an answer, he will start making weird faces, as he is prone to do, and correct the poor candidate who dared to say something The Donald didn’t like. He is a buffoon, pure and simple. Put some rouge on his cheeks – more than he already uses – add a big red nose, and you have a circus clown. You won’t even need to throw on a wig. That orange helmet he has on his head is funny enough.
I previously thought Bachman, Perry, Santorum, Cain, Gingrich and Romney were bad enough, but throwing The Donald into the mix is downright comical. Yet people will watch this debate, just as they will watch a car crash. They simply can’t help it.
Donald Trump – Kingmaker? | breezespeaks.
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