Posts Tagged Onion
Romney Pitches In To Repair Thousands Of Downed Romney-Ryan Lawn Signs | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on November 3, 2012
Romney Pitches In To Repair Thousands Of Downed Romney-Ryan Lawn Signs
MANTOLOKING, NJ—Saying he had been deeply shaken by the extent of Hurricane Sandy’s destruction, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney visited the storm-battered mid-Atlantic coast Thursday to help victims repair and re-erect thousands of downed Romney-Ryan campaign signs. “I’ve toured up and down the coastline, and I can tell you that the level of damage to campaign signage is unimaginable,” said the visibly concerned candidate, wading through calf-high water and debris to place a tattered “Romney: Believe In America” sign back in the window of a flooded house. “The high winds and storm surge absolutely devastated the signs in their path, and sadly, a number were even washed out to sea. But my team and I will do everything we can to make sure these lawn signs receive the care they need and get back on their legs as soon as possible.” Staffers confirmed the GOP candidate had also donated 10,000 Romney-Ryan baseball caps to families left homeless by the storm.
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- Romney Pitches In To Repair Thousands Of Downed Romney-Ryan Lawn Signs (theonion.com)
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- Romney Slowly Turning Into $100 Bill | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- ‘What About That Whole Birth Certificate Thing?’ Romney Suggests To Staff | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Romney: ‘This Is Why They Call Me Turnaround Mitty From Comeback City’ | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Romney Frantically Figuring Out How Tax Plan Could Actually Work After Realizing He Might Win Election | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Mitt Romney Jots Down Ideas For Concession Speech While Obama Talks | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Panicking Romney Attempts To Lay Off Debate Moderator | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
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Pakistani Boy, U.S. Drone Form Unlikely Friendship | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on November 3, 2012
Pakistani Boy, U.S. Drone Form Unlikely Friendship
MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—According to CIA officials and sources on the ground in the region, an unlikely friendship has developed between a 9-year-old Pakistani boy and a U.S. MQ-1 Predator drone in North Waziristan. “You’d think they would have nothing in common, and yet you see them together all the time, wandering around the countryside hand in wing,” area merchant Siraj Rahmad told reporters Friday, adding that local tribesmen generally took amusement in the duo’s improbable companionship, apart from the time the boy tried to hide the drone under his shirt and sneak it into his fourth-grade classroom. “Each day, when the boy goes to school, the drone slowly hovers over his house, waiting for him to come home. It’s adorable, really.” At press time, the inseparable drone and boy had run out to a nearby field to shoot at old cans, resulting in four civilian casualties.
Pakistani Boy, U.S. Drone Form Unlikely Friendship | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.
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- Live Coverage Of Last Night’s Final Presidential Debate From Onion Politics | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Romney Slowly Turning Into $100 Bill | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Panicking Romney Attempts To Lay Off Debate Moderator | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- ‘What About That Whole Birth Certificate Thing?’ Romney Suggests To Staff | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Hire Of Local Moron Gives Nation Hope For Employment | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Romney: ‘This Is Why They Call Me Turnaround Mitty From Comeback City’ | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Mitt Romney Jots Down Ideas For Concession Speech While Obama Talks | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on October 25, 2012
Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates
OCTOBER 23, 2012
WASHINGTON—Following the completion of three presidential debates and one vice presidential debate, a nationwide Gallup tracking poll conducted this morning has found that all registered voters in the United States now consider themselves undecided in the upcoming election.
According to the polling data, 100 percent of women, men, African-Americans, Hispanics, small business owners, LGBT voters, seniors, Tea Party activists, and members of every other category surveyed fall into the undecided camp after witnessing the candidates from both the Democratic and Republican tickets face off on national television for a total of six hours.
“Watching how these men conduct themselves in simple one-on-one exchanges made me completely unsure of what I’m going to do when I receive my ballot and have to put a check next to one of their names,” undecided Florida voter Colleen Moynihan said. “In the first debate, Obama was either being timid or arrogant or both, so I had my doubts about him. And while Romney was more confident and engaged, I honestly felt like I couldn’t trust much of anything he said.”
“Really the only thing I can say for certain is that I don’t want to hear anything else from either one of them ever again,” Moynihan added.
In addition to not knowing whether they will support President Obama or Republican challenger Mitt Romney in November, U.S. voters also could not say who they believe is stronger on any given issue, with 0 percent of those polled stating that they could tell a difference between the two candidates on foreign policy following last night’s debate.
“Of that 100 percent who are now undecided, not even one person we surveyed said they were leaning even slightly toward Obama or Romney,” said Gallup editor-in-chief Frank Newport, himself an undecided voter residing in Princeton, NJ. “And that held true across all 50 states. So this election is really anyone’s to win. Or no one’s, I guess.”
Moreover, Newport added that the more political pundits dissect the debate performances, revealing excruciating and generally unpleasant details about the “personal style” of each candidate, the more entrenched voter indecision becomes.
“The undecided vote will be critical to the president’s reelection,” said Obama campaign adviser David Axelrod, who admitted that he, too, is on the fence about who to vote for Nov. 6. “He needs to show uncommitted voters such as myself that he can stop the partisan cheerleading and seriously address our concerns.”
A follow-up poll revealed that the one thing the entire electorate had decided on was that they were absolutely not voting for third-party candidate Jill Stein.
Entire Nation Now Undecided After 4 Debates | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.
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Hire Of Local Moron Gives Nation Hope For Employment | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on October 11, 2012
Hire Of Local Moron Gives Nation Hope For Employment
PHOENIX—Citizens across the United States are expressing renewed hopes for a nationwide economic recovery following news that local resident and complete moron Ron Freizczky has found work, sources confirmed Monday. “They hired that guy…as a consultant?” Arizona man Bob Gunderbladt said of the 27-year-old dullard, remarking that if a dumb shit like that can get a decent job, anyone can. “The man can’t find his ass with both hands, but—wow, I guess things are really looking up. This country is finally starting to feel like America again.” Reached for comment, leading economists agreed that if more goddamn idiots like Freizczky get jobs that come with financial responsibility, conditions will indeed return to where they were just before the Great Recession.
Hire Of Local Moron Gives Nation Hope For Employment | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.
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Romney: ‘This Is Why They Call Me Turnaround Mitty From Comeback City’ | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on October 10, 2012
Romney: ‘This Is Why They Call Me Turnaround Mitty From Comeback City’
LEXINGTON, VA—Speaking at a rally on Monday, GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney told supporters his dramatic resurgence in the polls following last week’s debate had once again proved that he deserves his well-known moniker, Turnaround Mitty from Comeback City. “Since as far back as I can remember, folks have been calling me Turnaround Mitty from Comeback City, and just like in Detroit, Massachusetts, and Salt Lake, Turnaround Mitty from Comeback City has pulled through,” said Romney, adding that “the ol’ T.M.F.C.C. has struck again.” “There were many who doubted me, but everyone on the Nitty-Gritty Mitty Committee knew that Turnaround Mitty from Comeback City would one day be sitting pretty.” The candidate added that rebounds such as this one also explain why his close friends like to call him the Salt Lake Sultan of Surge.
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Jim Lehrer Forced To Report On His Own Botched Debate Moderator Performance On Tonight’s ‘NewsHour’ | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on October 5, 2012
Jim Lehrer Forced To Report On His Own Botched Debate Moderator Performance On Tonight’s ‘NewsHour’
NEW YORK—After conducting the first of the 2012 presidential debates earlier this week, former anchor Jim Lehrer hosted PBS NewsHour’s political analysis roundtable on Friday, an appearance that forced him to discuss the quality of his widely panned performance as moderator. “The consensus among commentators is that Jim Lehrer completely lost control of this debate, failed to make the candidates adhere to its format, and generally allowed them to spend the full hour and a half reciting talking points on any subject they wished. Your thoughts?” Lehrer asked fellow commentators Mark Shields and David Brooks, both of whom agreed with their colleague’s scathing assessment of himself. “As someone who has reported on every presidential debate since 1960 and moderated 12 of them, including Wednesday night’s horribly handled contest between Mitt Romney and Barack Obama, I’m simply at a loss. It was frankly painful to watch the two debaters walk all over Mr. Lehrer, and I’m sure that, in hindsight, he wishes to God he had never signed on for the job.” Shields and Brooks spent the remaining 59 minutes of the broadcast providing a wide-range of political analysis and seldom allowing Lehrer to get a word in edgewise.
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Biden Implores Obama To ‘Rub One Out’ Before Debate | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on October 4, 2012
Biden Implores Obama To ‘Rub One Out’ Before Debate
‘Don’t Want Pussy On The Mind Out There,’ Reports Vice President
DENVER—Noting that tonight’s debate against Mitt Romney would last a full hour and a half, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly urged President Obama to “rub one out” so that he could “get pussy off the mind” before taking the stage at 9 p.m. Eastern time. “Look, Barry, you need to keep your head in the game up there, and you sure as shit can’t focus if you’ve got a full load flaring up inside you,” said Biden, telling Obama he should feel free to think about the first lady, “Jill [Biden], or whoever pops into your head while you’re polishing the ol’ Capitol dome.” “Hell, I must’ve yanked the crank a good eight or nine times before my debate with Sarah Palin back in ’08…and a few times after, too, if you catch my drift.” At press time, sources reported seeing the president enter a private bathroom with Biden’s “rare and always reliable” January 1979 edition of Playboy.
Biden Implores Obama To ‘Rub One Out’ Before Debate | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.
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Mitt Romney Jots Down Ideas For Concession Speech While Obama Talks | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on October 4, 2012
Mitt Romney Jots Down Ideas For Concession Speech While Obama Talks
DENVER—As his opponent Barack Obama responded to a question during Wednesday night’s presidential debate on domestic policy, Republican nominee Mitt Romney reportedly took a few moments to scribble down some ideas for points to hit during his upcoming Nov. 6 concession speech. “It’s been a long journey, never stop fighting, etc., deeply grateful to all of those who stood by me and fought with me (fill in later),” wrote Romney, underlining the phrase “my wife, Ann” several times and using an entire page to list colleagues he would thank for their tireless efforts. “Maybe close with something about standing by the president even if I don’t agree with all his policies, he cares about America as much as I do—too cliché? Run it by Matt. Blue shirt, red tie.” Having written out his thoughts, Mr. Romney then looked up from the podium and stated that he did not agree with President Obama’s answer.
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Obama Camp Vows To Win Neighborhoods Where Romney Staffers Are Too Afraid To Go | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on October 4, 2012
Obama Camp Vows To Win Neighborhoods Where Romney Staffers Are Too Afraid To Go
COLUMBUS, OH—Entering the final month before the general election, sources within the Obama campaign announced today their new strategy of focusing on voters in neighborhoods where Romney staffers are too scared to go. “We’ve already pinpointed several low-income, primarily black and Hispanic neighborhoods that the Romney team has avoided at all costs,” said local Obama 2012 volunteer Jacob Fitzsimmons, describing efforts to get the president’s message out in high-crime, inner-city areas that most of Romney’s canvassers won’t even drive through. “Romney staffers that do travel to these areas are typically ineffective because they roll up their windows, lock their car doors, and get nervous when stopping at intersections. Additionally, we believe we can make tremendous strides in neighborhoods where Romney campaign volunteers are willing to go, but never past 6 p.m.” Members of the Romney camp countered this afternoon by saying they planned to redouble their efforts in gated suburban communities that would never allow Obama supporters to enter, let alone knock on doors.
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Millions Of Excited Americans Gather To Watch Candidates Deliver Series Of Short, Elaborately Rehearsed Speeches | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source
Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on October 4, 2012
Millions Of Excited Americans Gather To Watch Candidates Deliver Series Of Short, Elaborately Rehearsed Speeches
WASHINGTON—Sources confirmed that Americans all over the country have eagerly assembled tonight to watch a much-anticipated television broadcast in which presidential candidates Barack Obama and Mitt Romney will give a series of brief, meticulously rehearsed speeches on various domestic issues. “I can’t wait to hear what Obama and Romney have already practiced saying hundreds upon hundreds of times over the past few weeks in front of political strategists, media professionals, and image consultants,” said 34-year-old Suffolk, VA resident Shannon Donnelly, adding that she is most excited to hear the two candidates’ carefully rehearsed 90-to-120-second speeches on tax reform and job creation. “After months of campaign sound bites, we finally get to hear one candidate recite a carefully vetted position before pausing and allowing the other candidate to do the same. I am very much looking forward to one of them rebutting something the other says with a response that is painstakingly calculated down to even the slightest pause between words.” Sources also reported that voters are greatly looking forward to the evening of Oct. 16, when the candidates will gather in a town hall setting to respond to discreetly edited questions from handpicked members of the audience.
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