Posts Tagged Mark Zuckerberg
APRIL 7, 2013
FACEBOOK UNVEILS NEW WASTE OF TIME
POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ
MENLO PARK (The Borowitz Report)—Before a rapt audience at Facebook headquarters Thursday, Facebook C.E.O. Mark Zuckerberg unveiled new software that he promised “will totally change the way you are wasting your life.”
Explaining the development of Facebook’s new phone software, Home, Mr. Zuckerberg said, “Our research showed that Facebook users still had a few hours a day when they were leading somewhat healthy and productive lives. Our new software will change all of that.”
Mr. Zuckerberg said his developers had worked for months developing Home, “which seizes control of your phone and makes it good for little other than Facebook—much like many Facebook users themselves.”
By bombarding the user with status updates on a twenty-four-hour basis, he boasted, “Home transforms Facebook from just a social network into something akin to a neurological disorder.”
As the audience applauded that pronouncement, Mr. Zuckerberg added, “At Facebook, we want to be a million voices inside your head.”
When one member of the audience worried whether Home would give Facebook even more access to private information about one’s life, Mr. Zuckerberg reassured the questioner, “After using Home for several weeks, you will have no life.”
While clearly proud of his latest product, Mr. Zuckerberg gave notice that he did not intend to rest on his laurels: “At Facebook, we will never stop striving to replace real experience with something soulless and empty.”
- Facebook Unveils New Waste of Time (soshitech.com)
- Zuckerberg unveils Facebook phone software (cbc.ca)
- Mark Zuckerberg Reveals ‘Facebook Home’ for Android (mashable.com)
- Facebook Unveils ‘Home’ Android Product (techland.time.com)
- Facebook Unveils Facebook Home for Android (forums.pinstack.com)
- Mark Zuckerberg does not think Facebook Home will reach the iPhone (thedroidguy.com)
- Facebook Launches Home Software For Android Smartphones (techweekeurope.co.uk)
- Facebook unveils ‘Home’ for Android mobile gadgets (miamiherald.com)
- Facebook unveils ‘Home’ Android product (onlineathens.com)
- Facebook unveils new experience for Android phones (cnsnews.com)
Area Man Regrets Investing In Facebook
MENLO PARK, CA—Saying that he thought it was a “safe bet” at first, local man Mark Zuckerberg, 28, told reporters Tuesday that—after going what he called “all in” on the business—he now regrets staking so much of his financial future on the Internet company Facebook. “It seemed like a slam dunk—popular company, kids love it, and my financial advisors were telling me this stock was going to be a monster,” said Zuckerberg, who works in computers, and has lost nearly $600 million since Facebook went public in May. “But you know what, I’ll admit there was always a small part of me that knew I was going to lose a boatload on this thing, because, when you think about Facebook, there’s not a whole lot of room for long-term growth there, or any real solid plan for the future. I guess it’s just another one of those overhyped tech stocks, and I bought into the hype.” At press time, Zuckerberg sold his shares in Facebook and invested in GE, which the computer programmer and husband called “a fine, safe American company that never gets too high, never gets too low.”
- Pregnant Woman Relieved To Learn Her Rape Was Illegitimate | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Supreme Court Upholds Bill Of Rights In 5-4 Decision | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Area Man Lives Vicariously Through Son’s Bully | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Area Man Regrets Investing In Facebook (theonion.com)
- New Internet Destinations Created | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- World Leader Wondering Why He Just Met With The Former Governor Of Massachusetts | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- Area Man’s Quirky Hobby Kills 27 | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
- U.S. Facing Helium Shortage | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source | American Voices (mbcalyn.com)
- Year Of Law School Now Mandatory For Nation’s 25-Year-Olds | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source (mbcalyn.com)
Facebook Buys InstaBaby for $3 Billion
By Orbson Rice
Facebook surprised Wall Street insiders today when it purchased the upstart app Instababy for an estimated $3 billion. Instababy was created in 2009 by James and Irene Parker as an app for Facebook that would allow them to create an imaginary baby to appease the demands of friends and family. According to their website, “Almost as soon as we were married our friends and family would hound us about having children. We weren’t ready to take that leap yet, but they kept asking. Finally, we said enough. We created Instababy and the questions stopped!”
Instababy has now delivered over 1 million babies to users and can be downloaded to any Android or iOS5 device. The Parkers have also expanded the app to give a complete child experience from birth to college graduation. By plugging in physical and psychological traits of the prospective parents, Instababy creates a customized virtual baby. Users can then schedule instant uploads to Facebook for special events such as “baby’s first birthday” and their “child’s dance recital”. Instababy will also share photographs and short stories about their “child’s” progress. The app can even insert your virtual baby into vacation photos. According to Instababy user Marjorie Philips, “It is awesome! You know all of those annoying stories your Facebook friends post about how amazing their kids are? Well, now I can do that too. Your daughter just won her science fair? Well guess what, mine just won a research grant with Stephen Hawking.” Some critics however, have questioned the longevity of such a website. Wouldn’t your family and friends eventually find out?
According to Irene Parker, they were surprised at the results. “More than 90% of our Facebook friends and family never found out. We discovered that very few people on Facebook ever see each other and even when they do, they often don’t bring their kids. It seems like the more connected we have become as a society, the less connected we actually are. Interestingly, once we had our ‘children’, people don’t seem nearly as inclined to ask us about them as they were before. The few who did discover the truth were initially disappointed but then they joined in the fun too. My mother-in-law even created an Instababy for herself.”
Though Instababy sounds like a hit, analysts wonder why Facebook would pay the hefty $3 billion price tag for the app. Comments from the recently married Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg suggests he believes that the app “is a good investment for Facebook and fits perfectly with what we are trying to accomplish.” In unrelated news, Zuckerberg and his new wife announced that they are expecting their first child.
The Top 10 Reasons People Love Instababy:
1. Create a photo timeline from birth to college graduation.
2. Schedule automated posts for Facebook in seconds.
3. Always have the smartest and cutest baby of any of your friends.
4. Leverage in hostage situations: “please sir, I have children”.
5. Instant Excuse: “Sorry I would’ve loved to help you move but little Ricky is sick.”
6. Receive gifts that you can return for stuff for you want (like a Jet Ski) and then create customized childlike thank you notes to family and friends.
7. No doctors, no medical bills and no delivery. Instababy is instant gratification!
8. Be able to watch kid’s movies like Brave without being embarrassed.
9. 20% off discount to Hire-An-Actor for the big events like graduations.
10. Save an estimated $200,000+ (the approximate cost of raising a child from birth through college)!
- Insta-Friends? Spanish Hacker Reports Big Instagram Privacy Hole (xconomy.com)
- InstaFacebook and InstaTwitter Allow for Speedy Social Media Posting from the Notification Center [Ios Downloads] (lifehacker.com)
- Create a Facebook Timeline Cover With Your Instagram Photos (valuewalk.com)
- InstaFriday…soon. (liferearranged.com)
- InstaCRE … The Rise of Visual Marketing (coydavidson.wordpress.com)
- InstaCommentor For iPhone Lets You Keep Proper Track Of Your Comments On Instagram (redmondpie.com)
- 4 Apps That Make Your Facebook News Feed More Beautiful – Tech (brit.co)
- InstaGRIPES: 10 Things I Hate About Instagram (truthwisdomhumor.wordpress.com)
- The Facebook tweak that killed a billion-dollar industry (tech.fortune.cnn.com)
- Facebook launches Instagram style camera app (blogs.canada.com)
Welcome to the soon-to-be enormous world of Facebook email spam
By David Gewirtz | June 27, 2012
Summary: Thanks, Facebook. You just [expletive deleted] us up the [expletive deleted]. [Expletive deleted] you!
I am pissed off. Like most other Facebook users, I woke up recently to discover I had a Facebook email address. I don’t want a Facebook email address. Frankly, if I were King of the World, I’d boot Facebook into a giant black hole and laugh gleefully as the entire thing burned to a never-to-haunt-us again crispy hulk.
Fine, I’m mixing metaphors. But I’m pissed.
I didn’t pay all that much attention to this until I read Violet’s piece on Facebook email addresses, and then I realized what a nightmare those [profanity deleted] at Facebook are.
First, I didn’t exactly want to log into Facebook. I try to avoid doing so more than once a month. But, fine, in I went. Then I looked at my profile settings and my contact settings. I found my previously entered email address (the one I use for everything) and noticed that I’d explicitly marked it as “Hidden from profile”.
I had already told Facebook I didn’t want to share my email address.
So what do the [expletive-deleted] at Facebook do? They gave me a Facebook email address and made it public. Even though they knew I explicitly DID NOT WANT my email address displayed on Facebook.
But that is not the worst of it. Oh, no. Facebook doesn’t allow me to turn off my new Facebook email inbox and refuse mail. They just allow me to hide my Facebook email address.
So, let’s say I want to send email to someone named Mark Zuckerberg at Facebook. He doesn’t want me to see his Facebook email address. Oh, my, I still want to send him email there.
What could his address possibly be? Hmmm. Well, Facebook takes the first name and concatenates it with the second name. That’s tough to figure out. No, no it’s not. I’ll just send mail to MarkZuckerberg@facebook.com — even though the email address is supposed to be hidden.
Now, imagine you’re a spammer.
You know that, oh, about 900 million people use Facebook — and almost all use their real names. So, you know that if you put a real name (minus the space) in front of @facebook.com, most likely those users will get that email.
Now, do those users have email rules? No. Do those users have junk filters? No. Do those users have any defense at all, even the ability to turn off getting email. No. No. No. No.
Thanks, Facebook. You just [expletive deleted] us up the [expletive deleted]. [Expletive deleted] you!
Normally, I’m not a big fan of added regulation, but I think it’s high time we regulated the [expletive deleted] out of Facebook. Previously, I’d mentioned I wanted to prevent employers from demanding access to your Facebook accounts, but I now think it’s high time we explicitly legislate Facebook into making all new features optional and opt-in only.
This [f-bomb] sucks.
- Facebook Offers Incredible Targeted Spamming Opportunity to Spammers (cranialsoup.blogspot.com)
- Email Spam Facts (rackspace.com)
- Guess what? FB are at it again! (thephilthyway.wordpress.com)
- Apple iOS 6 and the Facebook email address lock-in? – ZDNet (blog) (zdnet.com)
- Tech Tuesday: Facebook Changes Your Default Email Address to Facebook.com Email Address (evasmith.wordpress.com)
- Properly Identifying and Reporting Email Spam | Blog (rackspace.com)
- Nigerian Spam Email: Why spam email is so obvious (kennykellogg.com)
- Facebook email switch brings backlash (bizjournals.com)
- Facebook draws user ire with email switcheroo (sacbee.com)
- Spammed By My Own Email (winecommonsewer.com)
The Woman in the Facebook Frat House
An early staffer recalls the raucous days of a company in transition from Harvard dorm room to Silicon Valley
The author joined Facebook in 2005 as one of the first members of the company’s nascent customer-relations team. It was just a year since Mark Zuckerberg had moved Facebook’s headquarters from his Harvard dorm room to California. When she arrived, there were 50 employees working from a small office in downtown Palo Alto, and the collegiate culture remained thick. Here is some of what she remembers from those days.
At 11 a.m. on my first day at Facebook, the young, plain-looking guys in T-shirts, gazing at their screens, seemed startled—if not displeased—to see a strange new woman in the office.
The only other woman in the office—an administrative assistant—was more animated, smiling toothily as she welcomed me in. She sat in front of a large piece of graffiti art featuring a cartoonish, zaftig woman with green hair who floated above an ominous cityscape.
Much of the graffiti in the room featured stylized women bursting from small tops that tapered down to tiny waists, mimicking the proportions of female videogame characters. It seemed juvenile, but I wasn’t very bothered—it seemed like the kind of thing that suburban boys from Harvard would think was urban and cool. “We had to move the really graphic painting to the men’s bathroom because someone complained,” an engineer told me as he gave me a tour of the tiny office. He said this with the slight mocking disapproval that was my new colleagues’ default tone in response to anything that resisted their power.
A Stanford grad introduced me and another newbie to the janky application through which users’ emails to Facebook flowed. Once we learned how the software worked, he taught us, without batting an eye, the master password with which we could log in as any Facebook user and gain access to all messages and data. “You can’t write it down,” he said, and so we committed it to memory.
Security measures would be implemented later that made it impossible for anyone to use the master password without authenticating themselves as an employee. And a year after that, the password would disappear entirely in favor of other, more secure forms of logging in to repair accounts. But at the beginning, there was only one password. For us, as administrators, everything on Facebook really was there for the seeing.
In the winter of 2006, Facebook employees were treated to a vacation in Tahoe, where we all stayed together in a big house. Toward the end of one drunken night, I donned the bearskin, complete with head, which adorned the banister on the stairs. Mark Zuckerberg thought this was hilarious and insisted that I continue to wear the bearskin around my shoulders. One of the engineers naturally took pictures all night of our shenanigans to post to Facebook. In one of the last photos he took, Mark is gesturing at me haughtily like an emperor as I stand doubled over in laughter with the bear suit draped over me.
It was all innocent fun; everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves, but when I saw the photograph appear in a Facebook album that Monday I was struck by the loaded nature of the image, ripe for interpretation, in which Mark appeared to be commanding a female employee to submit.
More interesting than the fact that the photo was taken and posted on Facebook is that it didn’t occur to anyone in the office that there was anything wrong with it, or that it revealed something unattractive about the culture of Facebook. As Mark wrote on his business card with boyish hubris, “I’m CEO, bitch.” The image of me in the bearskin was saying that power wasn’t something to be questioned; it was something to collect and brandish.
By 2008, there were rumors of an important new hire that Mark had made to the executive team. That Friday, he convened an All Hands to introduce Sheryl Sandberg, a high-powered, multimillionaire advertising and operations executive from Google, as chief operations officer. “Sheryl and I met at a party and we immediately hit it off,” Mark announced.
“We began talking for hours,” he went on. “She asked me questions about how I was running the company. I was really impressed with how smart she is.” Mark spoke with an uncharacteristic smile and glow, not flirtatious exactly, perhaps a function of some kind of sense of relief, as if he had been seeking someone like Sheryl for some time. “When I met Sheryl, the first thing I said was that she had really good skin,” Mark continued, “and she does,” he said, gesturing toward Sheryl, whose face had an admittedly creamy tone. She was smiling and didn’t flinch.
At a one-on-one meeting with Sheryl weeks later, I found out that she had an interest in the topic of women at Facebook and in Silicon Valley generally. She scheduled individual meetings with all the women in engineering. By that point, they numbered about 15 out of hundreds of engineers.
I told her that there were a few situations involving men in the department that I thought she should know about. For example, one of the senior managers had been known to proposition women in the company for threesomes. I also had an issue with an engineer who behaved, by turns, dismissively or aggressively toward female product managers. As I said to Sheryl about this second situation, “I was told by an engineering director to go in and talk to the guy and try to resolve the situation myself, but when I did that, the engineer somehow twisted things around and called me a bad feminist, as if to distract from the conversation at hand, and the conversation didn’t go anywhere. It was pretty unpleasant.”
I didn’t hear back immediately about any of the issues I had raised with her, until she stopped briefly by my desk one day a few months later and in the low, succinct office voice that she mastered, said, “I just want you to know that the situations you told me about have both been handled.”
I had heard nothing about it. “You see, I’m so good that I make things happen and no one even knows about them,” she said with a smile. Sure enough, the manager who propositioned employees had been subtly demoted and the aggressive engineer moved to another team.
I left in 2010. Since then, I’ve become accustomed to a world in which Facebook is one of the primary mediums through which people communicate and interact. To most of its users, Facebook seemed to come from nowhere; to me, it had meant long and sometimes very exciting hours—and some difficult experiences that didn’t belong on my Facebook “wall.”
- The Woman in the Facebook Frat House (smarterware.org)
- The Woman in the Facebook Frat House (allthingsd.com)
- Facebook’s Complicated Lady Problems (theatlanticwire.com)
- Linkpost | 6.24.2012 (chron.com)
- The Super Awkward Way Mark Zuckerberg Introduced Sheryl Sandberg To Facebook Employees (FB) (businessinsider.com)
- New Book Chronicles Facebook’s Fratty Antics (nymag.com)
- U Of C Frat In Trouble For “Conquistadors And Aztec Hoes” Party (chicagoist.com)
- A Day After Facebook’s IPO, Mark Zuckerberg Marries! (FB) (businessinsider.com)
- Need help with litter or graffiti? White Center woman launching ‘Neat Street’ (whitecenternow.com)
- Entrepreneurial Graffiti (takimag.com)