Posts Tagged Borowitz Report

Pentagon: Cuts Could Hamper Ability To Invade Countries For No Reason : The New Yorker


The Borowitz Report

 

MARCH 3, 2013

PENTAGON: CUTS COULD HAMPER ABILITY TO INVADE COUNTRIES FOR NO REASON

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The spending cuts mandated by the sequester may hamper the United States’s ability to invade countries for absolutely no reason, a Pentagon spokesman warned today.

The Pentagon made this gloomy assessment amid widespread fears that the nation’s ability to wage totally optional wars based on bogus pretexts may be in peril.

“Historically, the United States has stood ready and able to throw billions of dollars at a military campaign with no clear rationale or well-defined objective,” said spokesman Harland Dorrinson. “Our capacity to wage war willy-nilly is now in jeopardy.”

In the past, Mr. Dorrinson said, the Pentagon has had the resources to fight three meaningless and completely random wars at any given time, “but now in our planning meetings we are cutting that number back to two.”

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R—S.C.) agreed about the catastrophic effects of the Pentagon cuts, telling reporters, “The ability of the United States to project its military power in an arbitrary and totally capricious way must never be compromised.”

The cuts are already being felt in a tangible way at the Pentagon, which today cancelled an order for a nine-thousand-dollar pen.


Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2013/03/pentagon-cuts-could-hamper-ability-to-invade-countries-for-no-reason.html#ixzz2MWBtjYbjPentagon: Cuts Could Hamper Ability To Invade Countries For No Reason : The New Yorker.

 

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Borowitz Report : The New Yorker


The Borowitz Report

 

January 8, 2013

A LETTER FROM A.I.G.

Posted by Andy Borowitz

 

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NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – Today, American International Group (A.I.G.) issued the following letter to American taxpayers.

Dear American Taxpayers:

In 2008, you paid for a bailout of A.I.G. totalling $182 billion. Today, we are writing to tell you that we’re thinking of suing you.

When we made this decision, we knew we were in for some rough treatment from the media. We’ve been called everything from soulless bloodsuckers to Satan’s scabrous handmaidens, and worse. At A.I.G., though, we have a different name for ourselves: true American heroes.

You see, by suing the same people who bailed out our asses just five years ago, we are standing up for one of the most precious American rights of all: the right to sue someone who has just saved your life.

Let’s say that you’re trapped in a burning building and a fireman pulls you out to safety. Once you’re out of the fire, though, you notice that the fireman carelessly ripped the lapel of your Armani jacket. Shouldn’t you be able to sue the fireman for the full cost of its replacement?

Or let’s say you’re drowning in the ocean. A lifeguard dives in, pulls you back onto the shore, and administers mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Aren’t you entitled to take appropriate action—i.e., sue him for sexual harassment?

By suing you, we are standing up for the right of every other American who might, through no fault of his own, have his life saved and want to sue the person who saved him for millions of dollars. And that’s why we’re asking for your help today.

Lawsuits aren’t cheap. They require highly paid lawyers, who rack up millions in legal fees, not to mention first-class airfare, hotels, and sumptuous gourmet meals—hardly the kind of expense that we at A.I.G. can afford.

That’s why we’d like you to pay for it.

You may think we’re expecting a lot, asking you for the money necessary for us to sue you. But, remember, there’s a bigger principle at stake, and someday, if you’re pulled from a burning building or an ocean, you’ll be glad you stood with us today.

Oh, and as for our ad campaign, “Thank you, America”? We’re sticking with that, just changing the first word.

See you in court,

Your friends at A.I.G.

Borowitz Report : The New Yorker.

 

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Congress Collapses from Exhaustion After Doing Job : The New Yorker


The Borowitz Report

 

DECEMBER 31, 2012

CONGRESS COLLAPSES FROM EXHAUSTION AFTER DOING JOB

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

 

 

 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The House of Representatives adjourned this evening after the legislative body collapsed from exhaustion brought on by hours of doing its job.

Hundreds of congressmen complained of headaches, dizzy spells, and extreme fatigue after putting in what sources called “a six, maybe seven-hour day.”

With the nation headed over the fiscal cliff, there was no indication when Congress might reconvene, since many of its members had to be hospitalized after what was described as their near-total physical meltdown.

According to Dr. Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota Medical School, “Being forced to listen, compromise, and act like adults for minutes at a time was more punishing than these people could bear.”

Dr. Logsdon said that the gruelling ordeal of doing their jobs would likely keep members of Congress in the hospital for weeks.

“I don’t see these people getting back to work until February at the earliest,” he said. “And that’s great news for this country. Happy New Year, America.”

Congress Collapses from Exhaustion After Doing Job : The New Yorker.

 

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Time Magazine Names Mitt Romney Man of the Year 1912 : The New Yorker


The Borowitz Report

 

DECEMBER 19, 2012

TIME NAMES MITT ROMNEY MAN OF THE YEAR 1912

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

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NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In an extraordinary gesture of recognition for a losing Presidential nominee, Time magazine today named former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney Man of the Year 1912.

In a press release explaining its decision, Times editorial board wrote, “Even though his quest for the Presidency was unsuccessful, Mr. Romney’s ideas about foreign policy, taxation, wealth inequality, and women’s rights typified the year 1912 as no one else has.”

In giving Mr. Romney the nod, Time said that he beat out such other candidates for Man of the Year 1912 as Tsar Nicholas II of Russia, Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany, and Edward Smith, captain of the Titanic.

“It was very close between but Romney and the Titanic guy, but we gave it to Romney because it took him slightly longer to sink,” Time wrote.

Mr. Romney could not be reached for comment, a spokesman said, because he was travelling around the world visiting his money.

Time Magazine Names Mitt Romney Man of the Year 1912 : The New Yorker.

 

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Nation Spends $2.5 Billion on Nothing : The New Yorker


The Borowitz Report

 

NOVEMBER 7, 2012

NATION SPENDS $2.5 BILLION ON NOTHING

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

 

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NEWS ANALYSIS (The Borowitz Report)—One day after the costliest Presidential election in U.S. history, Americans awoke to the ugly realization that the nation had spent $2.5 billion with absolutely nothing to show for it.

“Four years ago, Barack Obama was elected President of the United States, and that is still the case,” says Professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota. “The only difference is that we as a nation are out $2.5 billion.”

Mr. Logsdon claims that America’s system of egregious political spending “has made us the laughingstock of the world,” arguing, “Even Greece would know better than to blow through money like that.”

But “not so fast,” says Tracy Klugian, President of the Negative Advertising Association of America, which represents the nation’s leading producers of political attack ads.

“When people complain about how expensive these political campaigns are, they’re forgetting about the millions of Americans who are employed making negative ads,” he says. “Say what you will about lies, vitriol and character assassination, they’re job creators.”

In fact, Mr. Klugian says, America’s costly and interminable campaigns are the nation’s most reliable source of employment: “They gave a completely unskilled person like Mitt Romney a steady job for eight years.”

Acknowledging that the $2.5 billion spent this year was a “tidy sum,” Mr. Klugian says, “If we took all the money we spend on political ads and used it to educate our children and feed the poor, we wouldn’t be America.”

 Nation Spends $2.5 Billion on Nothing : The New Yorker.

 

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Republicans Consider Welcoming People Who Believe in Math and Science : The New Yorker


The Borowitz Report

 

NOVEMBER 8, 2012

REPUBLICANS CONSIDER WELCOMING PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN MATH AND SCIENCE

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Opting for a bold “big tent” strategy to rebuild the party, Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, told reporters today, “We need to welcome people who believe in different things than we do, like math and science.”

After disappointing results in Tuesday’s election, Mr. Priebus said that it was time for Republicans to become “more tolerant of those with a math-and-science lifestyle.”

“Just because we don’t believe in those things doesn’t mean we can’t get along with people who do,” he said. “We want to send this message: math and science Americans are Americans, too.”

In the biggest departure from its previous electoral strategy, Mr. Priebus said, the Republican Party is “even considering trying to appeal to women.”

“I read recently that women are as much as fifty-one per cent of the population,” he said. “That number sounded crazy high to me, but maybe one of our new math Republicans can check on it for us.”

 Republicans Consider Welcoming People Who Believe in Math and Science : The New Yorker.

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The Republicans’ Closing Argument : The New Yorker


The Borowitz Report

NOVEMBER 5, 2012

THE REPUBLICANS’ CLOSING ARGUMENT

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

 

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With only one day until the election, the Republican Party today released its official closing argument to the American people.

In its entirety, the argument read as follows: “We’re strongly opposed toFEMA and health care, but basically O.K. with rape.”

Reince Priebus, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, said that the Party’s message of “zero tolerance toward disaster relief combined with a more easygoing attitude about rape” would lead the Party to victory on Election Day.

“Our argument couldn’t be simpler: when God wants to create a hurricane or make a woman pregnant, big government should get out of the way,” he said.

The Party chairman said that the closing argument was part of its “expand the map” strategy: “We’re contesting every state, from Pennsylvania to Colorado to Iowa, where we believe there are voters who are in sync with our more advanced view of hurricanes and rape.”

Mr. Priebus also had this message for the American voter: “Your vote is important. We’ve spent billions trying to buy it.”

 The Republicans’ Closing Argument : The New Yorker.

 

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Romney Sets New Personal Best for Faking Empathy : The New Yorker


The Borowitz Report

 

ROMNEY SETS NEW PERSONAL BEST FOR FAKING EMPATHY

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

 

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HEMPSTEAD, NY (The Borowitz Report)—Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney set a new personal record tonight by pretending to care about average Americans for nearly ninety minutes.

Mr. Romney began the second Presidential debate by simulating concern for a college student named Jeremy’s employment future and maintained a consistent level of feigned concern on a variety of subjects for the remainder of the night.

“It was an awesome display of stamina,” said Mr. Romney’s running mate, Paul Ryan, who watched Mr. Romney pretending to be empathic from a shelter in Virginia, where Mr. Ryan was pretending to feed a homeless orphan.

Mr. Romney’s new empathy record surpasses his previous mark, set seven days ago at a rally in Sidney, Ohio, where he pretended to give a shit about his audience for nearly an hour.

Tonight’s display of bogus sensitivity made a big impression on a post-debate focus group, as a majority of participants agreed with the statement, “Mitt Romney has the facial expressions of someone who cares about me.”

Moments after the debate, Mr. Romney pronounced himself “thoroughly drained” by the forced display of humanity.

“This empathy stuff is exhausting,” he told reporters. “On Day One, it’s going to stop.”

Throughout the evening, Mr. Romney traded barbs with President Obama, the first black person he has talked to since his speech at the N.A.A.C.P.

 Romney Sets New Personal Best for Faking Empathy : The New Yorker.

 

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In New Campaign Strategy, Romney to Have Mouth Wired Shut Until November : The New Yorker


 

The Borowitz Report

 

SEPTEMBER 17, 2012

IN NEW CAMPAIGN STRATEGY, ROMNEY TO HAVE MOUTH WIRED SHUT UNTIL NOVEMBER

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

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NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what his campaign described today as a bold strategy to insure victory in the Presidential contest, Republican nominee Mitt Romney will undergo a procedure to have his mouth wired shut until Tuesday, November 6th.

The decision reportedly was made in response to the release earlier in the day of rare video footage showing Mr. Romney saying what he really thinks.

In the video, Mr. Romney blasts the American people for being “insanely obsessed with food, clothing, and shelter,” and asserts that many of them are “too lazy to hide their money overseas.”

At another point in the video, Mr. Romney refers to his own hardscrabble childhood: “I was never handed anything in life. If I wanted to cut a gay kid’s hair off, I had to pin him to the ground myself.”

Romney campaign aides were upbeat about the mouth-wiring procedure today, with some saying they wished they had thought of it months ago.

When asked about the procedure at a campaign stop in Ohio, Mr. Romney said, “Mmmnff ffnn mmfff nnnnnff.”


In New Campaign Strategy, Romney to Have Mouth Wired Shut Until November : The New Yorker.

 

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At R.N.C., Romney Hailed as Regular Guy by Woman with Horse in Olympics : The New Yorker


 

The Borowitz Report

 

AUGUST 28, 2012

ROMNEY HAILED AS REGULAR GUY BY WOMAN WITH HORSE IN OLYMPICS

POSTED BY ANDY BOROWITZ

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TAMPA (The Borowitz Report)—On the opening night of the 2012 Republican National Convention, the Presidential nominee Mitt Romney received fulsome praise for being a “regular, down-to-earth guy” from his wife, Ann, whose dressage horse, Rafalca, competed in the London Olympics.

“Mitt has never let his success go to his head,” Mrs. Romney said. “Take away the seven-thousand-square-foot house in La Jolla and the bank account in the Caymans, he’s still the same fun-loving boy who pinned a gay kid to the ground and cut off his hair.”

Mrs. Romney adopted an intimate tone as she attempted to describe “the Mitt only I know.”

“Every now and then, Mitt will give me this devilish smile of his, and I know that can only mean one thing,” she said, flushing slightly. “He just fired someone.”

In a small flub that many delegates found endearing, Mrs. Romney said, “Mitt Romney is like you or me—he puts his pants on one leg at a time. Oh, wait. He has a fellow who does that for him. My bad.”

But the nominee’s wife brought the convention audience to its feet with her closing endorsement of her husband: “I promise you that if you elect Mitt President of the United States, he will never give less than thirteen per cent.”

 At R.N.C., Romney Hailed as Regular Guy by Woman with Horse in Olympics : The New Yorker.

 

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