Archive for category The Onion

Remaking The Republican Party | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on December 9, 2012


Remaking The Republican Party

Mitt Romney’s poor performance among minority voters, single women, and young people has led many top Republicans to call for an overhaul of the party’s image. Here are some options the GOP is considering to extend its appeal:

·         Start nominating hipper, more relatable 65-year-old men

·         Begin rolling the R’s in “deportation” and “border fence”

·         A bunch of abortions and stuff—whatever the gals want

·         Change nothing and wait for rest of country to come to its senses

·         Project youthful vibe by requiring Republican congressmen to walk around Capitol doing yo-yo tricks

·         Change party mascot to a Hispanic elephant

·         Start one of those Twitter hashtags

·         Eh, fuck it—just disenfranchise as many people as possible

 Remaking The Republican Party | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Related articles

 

, , , , , , ,

Leave a Comment

42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on November 27, 2012


42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record

NOVEMBER 26, 2012  

 

NEW YORK—According to emergency personnel, early estimates indicate that more than 42 million Americans were killed this past weekend in what is now believed to be the bloodiest Black Friday shopping event in history.

First responders reporting from retail stores all across the nation said the record-breaking post-Thanksgiving shopping spree carnage began as early as midnight on Friday, when 13 million shoppers were reportedly trampled, pummeled, burned, stabbed, shot, lanced, and brutally beaten to death while attempting to participate in early holiday sales events.

Law enforcement officials said the bloodbath only escalated throughout the weekend as hordes of savage holiday shoppers began murdering customers at Wal-Mart, Sears, and JCPenney locations nationwide, leaving piles of dismembered and mutilated corpses in their wake.

“The level of bloodshed this year was almost beyond imagination—no prior Black Friday could have prepared us for this,” said National Guard commander Frank Grass, talking to reporters in front of the still-smoldering remains of a local Best Buy that was burned to the ground Saturday. “We had fire trucks, police cruisers, and guardsmen stationed at multiple locations, but it was useless. At the moment, hundreds of thousands of American shoppers are still unaccounted for, and we expect $2 billion in damage has been wrought upon our cities. ”

“The stench of death is unbearable,” a tearful Grass added. “Simply unbearable.”

As the weekend of sales drew to a close, ambulances could be seen circling the now empty and completely ravaged shopping complexes as they searched for signs of life, while clean-up crews worked to clear the rubble, overturned cars, and large pools of blood from local Kohl’s and Macy’s parking lots.

The White House issued an official response, stating, “We mourn the deaths of those 42 million American shoppers who tragically lost their lives this Black Friday.”

Survivors of the deadly holiday sales event said that while the weekend began as a chance to “get in on some unbeatable post-Thanksgiving deals,” it quickly escalated into a merciless, no-hold-barred fight to the death.

“At some point in time we all stopped caring about the deals and the holiday shopping and were pretty much just out for blood,” said Dana Marshall, 37, a Target shopper who suffered seven broken ribs and a cracked sternum while fighting two other customers for a discounted Nikon digital camera. “I remember just sitting on top of a woman and smacking her head with a DVD player until her face was completely unrecognizable. I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

The Onion will continue to publish a running list of the Black Friday dead throughout the week.

 42 Million Dead In Bloodiest Black Friday Weekend On Record | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Related articles

 

, , , , , , ,

Leave a Comment

Paul Ryan Releases 90-Minute High-Endurance Budget-Slashing Video | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on November 4, 2012


Paul Ryan Releases 90-Minute High-Endurance Budget-Slashing Video

OCTOBER 31, 2012

 The high-octane video features Congressman Ryan’s patented budget-slimming techniques.

WASHINGTON—Republican vice presidential candidate Paul Ryan took a short break from his busy campaign schedule Wednesday to announce the official release of his new 90-minute high-endurance Extreme Budget Shredder instructional video.

According to a press release, the video will allow fiscal conservatives to follow along with the Wisconsin legislator as he guides them through a wide variety of exercises in austerity designed to “trim those government expenditures” and “burn away all that unwanted debt.”

“Prepare to see your budget get lighter and leaner than it’s ever been,” Ryan says in the introduction to the video, wearing a tank top, compression shorts, and a hands-free microphone. “It won’t be easy, but with me guiding you every step of the way, pretty soon those $1.1 trillion deficits will be nothing but a distant memory.”

“All right, now, let’s get that heart rate up with a set of light transportation infrastructure cuts,” Ryan continues as he demonstrates how to do away with costly bridge and highway repairs to a room of seven men and women dressed in formal business attire. “Only $10 billion more to go. C’mon, keep it going! Quick breaths! Reduce those allocations!”

Promising to “increase balance and stability,” Ryan’s program claims it is specifically designed to target the budget’s core using a “dynamic reduction approach” to eliminate fat from the government’s major spending areas.

The video reportedly features “over 70 new and turbocharged financial reforms,” ranging from 30-second-interval stimulus plunges to quicker and more explosive discretionary-spending chops aimed at “getting rid of all those dreaded earmarks.” The program also concentrates on trimming green energy subsidies, using Ryan’s trademark “Solyndra slashes” to quickly drop investments in geothermal, wind, and solar power research.

“Oh, yeah, we’re really in the groove now,” Ryan says a half hour into the video, after he finishes running up the eligibility age for Social Security. “Don’t forget to keep stretching those tax dollars, and remember that the more you feel the burn, the faster you’re shedding those Supplementary Security Income plans. Man, that feels good, huh?”

The Wisconsin representative then allows for a quick 60-second break during which he chugs a 32-ounce protein shake, pounds his chest with his fist, and tells viewers to “get ready to blast Planned Parenthood next.”

Later in the program, Ryan unveils several more advanced cost-cutting measures, including “maximum intensity” public education tucks to isolate excess Pell and Title I grants, and a rigorous 20-minute “Social Insurance Shredder” routine that the congressman says is “guaranteed to remove any traces of Medicaid and Medicare from your system.”

“There are no more excuses for having a bloated budget now,” Ryan adviser Dan Senor told reporters. “Drawing from his experience on the House Budget Committee and the theories of Friedrich von Hayek, Paul has developed a unique and incredibly effective plan to slim down any federal deficit. In just 40 minutes a day, you can get those tightened budgets you’ve always wanted in time for the next fiscal year. And have fun doing it, too!”

Senor confirmed the Extreme Budget Shredder video also comes with a free booklet explaining how to maintain fiscal health after completing the 60-day program, including tips for “bulking up” defense spending by using vouchers as a cheaper substitute for care programs for veterans and people with disabilities.

Ryan’s methods have already garnered a very positive reception, with many saying their policies have been “completely transformed” by his program.

“I was so embarrassed by my big, inflated budget that I couldn’t even bring myself to look at it,” said Florida governor Rick Scott, proudly displaying before-and-after pictures of his budget, which is now $4.6 billion thinner. “But after just three weeks on ‘the Shred,’ I immediately started seeing results. And not only did the debts go away—they stayed away.”

“I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d be able to lose 50 unemployment and housing assistance programs for the poor,” Scott added with a triumphant smile. “But if I can do it, anybody can.”

http://www.theonion.com/static/onion/img/icons/terminator.gif

 Paul Ryan Releases 90-Minute High-Endurance Budget-Slashing Video | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Related articles

 

, , , , , , ,

Leave a Comment

Romney Pitches In To Repair Thousands Of Downed Romney-Ryan Lawn Signs | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on November 3, 2012


Romney Pitches In To Repair Thousands Of Downed Romney-Ryan Lawn Signs

NOVEMBER 1, 2012

MANTOLOKING, NJ—Saying he had been deeply shaken by the extent of Hurricane Sandy’s destruction, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney visited the storm-battered mid-Atlantic coast Thursday to help victims repair and re-erect thousands of downed Romney-Ryan campaign signs. “I’ve toured up and down the coastline, and I can tell you that the level of damage to campaign signage is unimaginable,” said the visibly concerned candidate, wading through calf-high water and debris to place a tattered “Romney: Believe In America” sign back in the window of a flooded house. “The high winds and storm surge absolutely devastated the signs in their path, and sadly, a number were even washed out to sea. But my team and I will do everything we can to make sure these lawn signs receive the care they need and get back on their legs as soon as possible.” Staffers confirmed the GOP candidate had also donated 10,000 Romney-Ryan baseball caps to families left homeless by the storm.

 Romney Pitches In To Repair Thousands Of Downed Romney-Ryan Lawn Signs | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Related articles

 

, , , , , , ,

Leave a Comment

Romney Promises Any Pennsylvanian Who Votes For Him Can Have Ann Romney For One Hour | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on November 3, 2012


Romney Promises Any Pennsylvanian Who Votes For Him Can Have Ann Romney For One Hour

NOVEMBER 2, 2012

LANGHORNE, PA—In an attempt to sway any voters who remain undecided in the Democratic-leaning state, Republican candidate Mitt Romney announced Friday that any resident of Pennsylvania who votes for him in the upcoming election can have his wife, Ann, for one hour. “One vote for me gets you 60 minutes alone with Ann to do whatever you want, no questions asked,” said Romney, adding that he has broached the proposal with his 63-year-old wife and that she is amenable to it. “She is a very beautiful woman, and very discreet, so trust me, you won’t be disappointed. This is a solid offer I’m making you.” At press time, Romney was assuring female voters that their support will guarantee them one private night with his five sons at the family’s lake house in New Hampshire.

 Romney Promises Any Pennsylvanian Who Votes For Him Can Have Ann Romney For One Hour | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Related articles

 

, , ,

Leave a Comment

Pakistani Boy, U.S. Drone Form Unlikely Friendship | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on November 3, 2012


Pakistani Boy, U.S. Drone Form Unlikely Friendship

NOVEMBER 2, 2012

MIRANSHAH, PAKISTAN—According to CIA officials and sources on the ground in the region, an unlikely friendship has developed between a 9-year-old Pakistani boy and a U.S. MQ-1 Predator drone in North Waziristan. “You’d think they would have nothing in common, and yet you see them together all the time, wandering around the countryside hand in wing,” area merchant Siraj Rahmad told reporters Friday, adding that local tribesmen generally took amusement in the duo’s improbable companionship, apart from the time the boy tried to hide the drone under his shirt and sneak it into his fourth-grade classroom. “Each day, when the boy goes to school, the drone slowly hovers over his house, waiting for him to come home. It’s adorable, really.” At press time, the inseparable drone and boy had run out to a nearby field to shoot at old cans, resulting in four civilian casualties.

 Pakistani Boy, U.S. Drone Form Unlikely Friendship | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Related articles

 

, , , , , , ,

Leave a Comment

Romney Slowly Turning Into $100 Bill | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on November 3, 2012


Romney Slowly Turning Into $100 Bill

NOVEMBER 2, 2012

A green, papery surface now covers most of the Republican candidate’s body.

TAMPA, FL—Campaign sources expressed concern today over Mitt Romney’s green complexion, papery skin, and slowly flattening body frame, prompting increased speculation that the Republican presidential candidate has been gradually transforming into a $100 bill.

Staff members said the Republican candidate—whose skin pigmentation has now been fully overtaken by optically variable ink and whose spinal column has slowly shifted into an outline of Philadelphia’s Independence Hall—has been undergoing the transformation throughout the campaign and now more closely resembles a banknote than a human being.

“When Mitt’s skin began changing, everyone was worried he was suffering from some sort of strange health condition,” said an anonymous Romney staffer, who went on to describe the loud crinkling noises the candidate now makes whenever he walks, and the potent smell of paper stock that has overwhelmed campaign headquarters since mid-April. “But when one of our aides noticed Benjamin Franklin’s head starting to protrude from Gov. Romney’s chest, it became clear that he was actually becoming money.”

“We’re not really sure how or why this is happening, and Mitt himself has yet to acknowledge it,” the source continued. “With that being said, he has to realize something’s wrong. I mean, he clearly has the phrase ‘federal reserve note’ running straight down his face, for Christ’s sake.”

The first signs of Romney’s metamorphosis into the denomination of U.S. currency were reportedly observed during a November 2011 campaign stop in Alexandria, VA, when a mixture of black and green ink begin flowing out of the candidate’s nose and ears. Aides said they became worried again later that month after spotting what initially appeared to be large, bold tattoos of serial codes and Timothy Geithner’s signature on Romney’s arms.

Despite his visibly transitioning anatomy and biological structure, Romney has reportedly insisted on maintaining a full schedule of campaign appearances, already leading to numerous incidents in which the .0043-inch-thick candidate has been blown down the street or across the room by strong gusts of wind or ceiling fans.

“I went to one of Gov. Romney’s rallies last month, and when I tried shaking his hand, his whole arm just crumpled right there in my palm,” said Boulder, CO resident and registered Republican Chris Stockwell. “I apologized, but he just kept smiling and told me not to worry about it. Then an aide came over and smoothed out the wrinkles, and Romney just continued making his way through the crowd.”

“The governor definitely looked like a $100 bill, though,” Stockwell added. “And a brand-new, crisp one, too.”

While Romney’s transformation has been met with confusion from the nation’s medical community, many conservative pundits argue the candidate’s transition into a living, breathing unit of currency only increases his viability as a political leader.

“Gov. Romney is a businessman. That is how Americans have gotten to know him, and that is how they will primarily connect with him,” said Collin Levy, a Wall Street Journal senior editorial writer. “The fact of the matter is, the economy is the most important issue in this election, so who better to lead the country in these difficult times than a $100 bill?”

Addressing a crowd of supporters in Florida last Saturday, Romney briefly hinted at his physical condition and its impact on his campaign.

“I want all my supporters to know that no matter how I look, no matter how I change, I am still the right leader for this country,” said a fully green Romney, speaking to applauding supporters as black ink spewed from his mouth. “I promise you we will take back America and make it great again!”

Shortly after leaving the stage, Romney reportedly paused briefly after catching his own reflection in a nearby mirror and quietly said, “Looking good.”

 Romney Slowly Turning Into $100 Bill | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Related articles

 

, , , , , ,

Leave a Comment

U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on October 28, 2012


U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China

OCTOBER 26, 2012  

An artist’s depiction of the momentous signing of the Declaration of Dependence.

WASHINGTON—In what is certain to be regarded as a defining moment in the nation’s history, leading U.S. political figures gathered at the Capitol today to sign their names to the newly drafted Declaration of Dependence, formally proclaiming America’s total reliance on China.

The revolutionary pronouncement, which was ratified unanimously by representatives from across the United States, calls for formal recognition of American dependence and enumerates more than two dozen of the country’s specific dependencies on China, including a $282 billion trade deficit, the $1.15 trillion in U.S. bonds held by China’s central bank, and the fact that each of America’s 314 million residents would be utterly helpless without access to Chinese-produced clothing, plastic goods, and electronic devices every moment of every day.

“When in the course of commercial and financial events, it becomes necessary for one nation to affirm its absolute dependence on another, it is imperative for the subordinate people to declare the causes which impel them to feeble servitude,” the Declaration of Dependence begins. “We hold our complete, pathetic reliance on China to be self-evident, recognizing that all American citizens are created beholden, having ceded to China command over our unalienable rights, and that among these are Life, Liberty, and the accrual of Indebtedness.”

In addition to codifying how U.S. money and resources will be transferred directly to China, the document, handwritten on parchment, lays out how the Chinese government will henceforth officially dictate America’s domestic spending, foreign policy, the value of the dollar, and, in essence, the incomes and the very well-being of American citizens themselves.

Signatories to the declaration—among them President Barack Obama, all Republican and Democratic congressional leaders, and members of special delegations sent by each of the 50 states—reportedly delivered speeches backing the forfeiture of U.S. sovereignty to the Chinese government before gathering around a wooden table in the Senate chamber to authorize the landmark document.

Witnesses stated that Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was the first to endorse the declaration, affixing his large, florid signature to the center of the document before uttering a warning to his colleagues that “we must all pay China together, or most assuredly we will all pay separately.”

According to sources, President Obama, now widely hailed as the father of American Dependence, authored the text over the course of 17 days, toiling by candlelight late into the night as he composed multiple drafts in an attempt to construct the purest representation of the American people’s wholesale subservience toward China.

Although politicians reportedly clashed over clauses in early drafts, such as exactly when to fully dismantle the U.S. manufacturing sector, all signatories, regardless of political party or ideology, are said to have come together in a rare display of unanimity to stand behind the final wording of the Declaration of Dependence, which includes a Mandarin translation on its reverse.

“While most citizens recognize that we’ve long been moving toward total reliance on China, there was a growing consensus among political thinkers that true dependence could only be achieved through a formal declaration for the ages,” said Edmund Kelleher, a political scientist at Yale University. “Considering the unmistakable rise of ‘Made in China’ labels, the 2.7 million American jobs lost to China over the past decade, and our abject reliance on their rare earth minerals, the importance of an official Declaration of Dependence cannot be overstated.”

“Indeed,” Kelleher added, “this document is a momentous symbol of American submissiveness that will have a guiding influence on U.S. citizens for generations to come.”

Following the proclamation’s signing, the pealing of bells could be heard throughout the country, as cheering citizens gathered in town squares nationwide for public readings of the document’s text. Many were reportedly overwhelmed with emotion at the official declaration of a conviction they had long felt in their hearts, while countless others proudly waved American flags manufactured in China.

“The Declaration of Dependence will surely become one of the most hallowed and influential texts in world history,” said historian Elaine Thurber, noting the original copy would be placed on permanent display in the National Archives. “That unmistakable spirit of dependence on China, which is a fundamental hallmark of the American people, is so eloquently embodied in this document’s timeless words.”

“Obama, Bernanke, Boehner—these larger-than-life figures who crafted this monumental declaration will long be remembered for their willingness to sacrifice everything for China,” Thurber continued. “Indeed, their names and deeds will be taught to all American schoolchildren for as long as our nation is allowed to exist by the Chinese.”

According to reports, an official copy of the declaration, which praises Chinese president Hu Jintao by name and pledges undying fealty to him, was dispatched immediately to Communist Party headquarters in Beijing, where the proclamation had been eagerly anticipated and was received with great satisfaction.

“Good,” President Hu is reported to have said aloud after reading the document. “Very good.”

http://www.theonion.com/static/onion/img/icons/terminator.gif

 U.S. Signs Declaration Of Dependence On China | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Related articles

 

, , , , , , ,

Leave a Comment

I Misspoke—What I Meant To Say Is ‘I Am Dumb As Dog Shit And I Am A Terrible Human Being’ | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on October 28, 2012


I Misspoke—What I Meant To Say Is ‘I Am Dumb As Dog Shit And I Am A Terrible Human Being’

BY REP. TODD AKIN (R-MO)
AUGUST 20, 2012  

As a politician, I often find myself in situations where, unfortunately, I express a certain thought or idea poorly, or find my words taken out of context. Indeed, that is what happened this weekend. Upon reviewing the impromptu remarks I made Sunday afternoon, I can now see that I used the wrong words in the wrong way. I would now like to set the record straight with the American people and clear up some confusion about what it was I intended to convey.

You see, what I said was, “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” But what I meant to say was, “I am a worthless, moronic sack of shit and an utterly irredeemable human being who needs to shut up and go away forever.”

It is clear to me now that I did not choose my words with care and did not get across the point I was trying to convey. In hindsight, I guess instead of using the words “legitimate rape,” I should have used the words “I am an unforgivable, unrepentant, and unconscionable subhuman dickhead.” Or better yet, “I am an evil, fucked-up man who should never have been elected to the United States Congress, and anyone who would vote for me is probably a pretty big fucking dumbshit, too.” See how much more sense that makes? It’s amazing how a few key word changes can totally alter the meaning of a statement.

Because, of course, it’s all about context. And yes, when you take what I said out of context, I can see how it might sound like I’m denying that women can be impregnated via rape. This is, I assure you, not what I was trying to express at all. Such is the age we live in that one little sentence excerpted in a news report can come back to haunt a person in a pretty big hurry. But if you actually go back and look at the remarks closely, you’ll see that what I was actually trying to convey in my statement was that

(1) I am a big fucking idiot,

(2) I am a nauseating slug of a human being who doesn’t deserve to live, and

(3) I am essentially everything that’s wrong with this country and with humanity in general.

Honestly, that’s all I was trying to get across there. It was a simple misunderstanding, really.

It’s funny, because, in my head, I remember thinking very vividly, “I, Rep. Todd Akin, am a bigoted jackass who probably should not be alive, let alone in political office. People need to know what a terrible person I am so they will then remember to punch me in the face anytime they get the chance.” But when I opened my mouth and tried to articulate that thought, somehow I blurted out the thing about rape instead of just saying, in plain English, that I am awful, just purely and incontrovertibly awful.

Frankly, it’s hard not to make a mistake from time to time when you’re in the public eye as much as I am. I am constantly having to speak my mind in a public forum, and sometimes, when all I’m trying to say is something simple and inarguable, like, “Sweet Jesus, I am the worst person who has ever lived,” I wind up saying something completely different. It’s frustrating, really. Because I have a lot of very pertinent and very well-thought out things to say about how somebody should just smack me in the head with a goddamned cricket bat because of how brainless and insensitive I am, but instead my words just come out all jumbled.

I guess I just have a habit of putting my foot in my mouth! And for being the very worst that Western Civilization has to offer!

So let me take this opportunity to be very specific about what I meant Sunday, which was this: I am not a competent or respectable politician; I am, essentially, a subhuman monster of a prick, a prick as profoundly insensitive as he is monumentally unintelligent in every respect; somebody should apply dozens of layers of duct tape to my mouth every morning so that words are not able to exit my large, dumb, misogynist, imbecilic mouth at any point; I make the planet worse; I don’t know jack shit about any of the topics I spoke about in that interview, or about any topics at all, really; I should apologize every day to the women of the world, but doing so would most likely be an exercise in futility given my rock-bottom intellect and my complete and utter lack of human decency; I am, in no uncertain terms, not even worth the time it took you to read this.

That’s what I meant to say. Sorry for the confusion.


 I Misspoke—What I Meant To Say Is ‘I Am Dumb As Dog Shit And I Am A Terrible Human Being’ | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Related articles

, , , , , , ,

Leave a Comment

Mitt Romney Terrified What Will Happen If He Ever Stops Running For President | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

Posted by Michael B. Calyn in Humor/Parody, The Onion on October 28, 2012


Mitt Romney Terrified What Will Happen If He Ever Stops Running For President

OCTOBER 26, 2012

The desperately scared candidate says he has no idea who he is if he’s not running for president.

DAYTON, OH—Claiming that running for president of the United States is all he knows, Republican nominee Mitt Romney has confided to aides that he is terrified of what will happen to him if he ever stops campaigning for the highest office in the land, sources confirmed Friday.

“Seeking the presidency is something I’ve basically been doing my whole life, and it’s the only thing I’ve been doing for the past eight years,” Romney reportedly told his closest advisers. “In less than two weeks, that’ll all be over. Win or lose, I have to stop running. No more crisscrossing the country from fundraiser to fundraiser, no more early morning strategy meetings to decide what voters need to hear from me today.”

“What happens when it’s Nov. 7, I wake up, and I’m not running for president—what then?” Romney added. “Will I still pivot to my talking points when I get off-message? Oh, God, will I even have talking points? What will I talk about? Somebody, please tell me what I’m supposed to do.”

Several staffers acknowledged that in the past month they have received panicked phone calls from Romney in the middle of the night, with the distressed GOP candidate worrying aloud about what will happen to him when there are no more campaign stops to hit, and speculating wistfully about what waits for him at “the end of the trail.”

According to sources, Romney has dwelled on the issue obsessively since the Republican National Convention in August, turning over and over in his head the options that will remain open to him when election season draws to a close.

 

“Who knows, if I lose this year, maybe I could still try again in 2016,” Romney was overheard saying on his campaign bus, speaking to no one in particular. “There’s nothing wrong with trying three times, right? I mean, they probably wouldn’t give me the nomination again, but surely I could still get on the ballot for the primaries. That’s where most of the action is at anyway.”

 “And hey, if I win this November, maybe I can just get started right away on my reelection bid,” he continued. “There are a few months between the election and the inauguration, so I could use that time to really get out there, hit the road, start shaking some hands, and set things rolling for Romney 2016.”

The former Massachusetts governor then reportedly broke down in tears upon contemplating “the inescapable reality” that if he wins the White House this year and again in 2016, he will then be constitutionally prohibited from ever running for president again.

“What am I without this, goddamn it? Who am I?” Mr. Romney said. “I’ve spent all these years running for this office, but now that the presidency is almost within my grasp, I feel like running from it. Because if I get it, what else is left for me? What else is out there?”

Aides confirmed Romney’s affected folksy demeanor and diet of local diner fare have become so routine he has lost his ability to function as a non-candidate. Apart from luncheons with wealthy donors and weekend TV interviews, they said, the Republican candidate is entirely incapable of engaging in regular human social interaction.

Indeed, the Republican nominee’s ability to communicate with other human beings has now reportedly been reduced to a handful of stock phrases aimed at appealing to undecided middle-class voters.

“Gov. Romney has little to no experience talking to normal people without asking for either their vote or their donations,” said Glenn Hubbard, chief economic adviser to the campaign. “This is going to be tough for him.”

“Really tough,” Hubbard added after a long pause.

At press time, sources said Romney’s wife, Ann, was consoling her husband, reminding him that if it comes down to it, they have enough money to stay on the campaign trail every day of every year and spend the rest of their natural lives running for president.

 Mitt Romney Terrified What Will Happen If He Ever Stops Running For President | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source.

Related articles

 

, , , , , , ,

Leave a Comment

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 274 other followers

%d bloggers like this: