POSTED FEBRUARY 20, 2012
CNN Says Nuclear Attack by North Korea Would Not Affect Whitney Houston Coverage
Wolf Blitzer Promises No Interruption
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – As North Korea ramped up its threats to attack South Korea, CNN reassured its viewers that a nuclear war on the Korean Peninsula would have “no effect whatsoever” on its Whitney Houston coverage.
“As viewers, you have come to trust us to deliver the news whenever it happens, wherever it happens, as long as that news is about Whitney Houston,” said Wolf Blitzer, host of the network’s “Situation Room” program. “We will never do anything to break that trust.”
As Mr. Blitzer spoke, 23 of the Situation Room’s 24 video monitors featured images of Ms. Houston, with the 24th featuring an image of her ex, Bobby Brown.
The news from CNN sent a chill through the senior leadership of North Korea, who announced later today that it might postpone a nuclear war until later in the week when the Whitney Houston coverage calms down.
“Good luck with that,” Mr. Blitzer said. “The Oscars are this Sunday.”
Meanwhile, in what some political insiders are calling a sign of desperation, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney today had his first name legally changed to “Not.”
And a new study showed that the election of former Sen. Rick Santorum would solve the U.S.’s immigration problems but create enormous ones for Canada.
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