December 15, 2011
By John Storm
NBC shocked viewers worldwide with a blockbuster announcement this morning that longtime “Tonight Show” host Jay Leno had been fired, and will be replaced by a round table comedy show titled “Tonight On The Right,” which will be hosted by Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry and feature three new guests nightly. Paul Telegdy, NBC’s President of Alternative and Late Night Programming, issued the following statement earlier this afternoon:
We are very grateful for the many years of wonderful service we’ve received from Jay, and we wish him nothing but the best in his future endeavors. However, for many months now his best material has stemmed from headline-making gaffes by the Republican presidential hopefuls. In particular, most of those gaffes have been created by Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry. When the opportunity presented itself to sign these two wonderful, hilarious people to a contract, we could not pass this up. Time and time again, Representative Bachmann and Governor Perry have shown the world exactly how humorous they can be. Whether it be through confusing a killer clown with John Wayne, or drunkenly forgetting the legal voting age, these two have shown an uncanny knack for producing golden comedic material in front of live cameras. We like to think of this as us “cutting out the middle man,” so to speak. We’re amazed and humbled that they chose to accept our offer, and we’re happy to announce that “Tonight On The Right” will pick up right where The Tonight Show left off in producing hearty laughs and wonderful family moments in homes worldwide.
Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann’s handlers issued this statement on her behalf:
The American people have been loud and clear in the message they’ve sent to Rick and myself. Over and over again, we’ve heard the same message all across the country. That message has been for us to drop out of this race, and drop out of public service completely. This can only mean one thing – that the American people want us to make our voices even stronger and more influential than they are right now. That being said, both Rick and I have decided to drop out of the race for the Republican nomination for president, as well as resign from our positions as Governor of Texas and Representative of Minnesota’s 6th District, respectively. We feel that our viewpoints will have much more sway in this nightly, serious environment where we will be discussing the far left’s agenda and the best ways to go about defeating it.
“Rick Perry has, against my firm recommendation, decided to drop out of the race for the Republican nomination for president,” said Perry’s campaign manager Rob Johnson. “Rick has also inexplicably resigned as Governor of the state of Texas in order to devote his time to this new late night talk show on NBC. Rick firmly believes his talents and his viewpoints will be better utilized in this environment. When we tried to explain to Rick that NBC is hiring him as a comedian and not an influential political figure, Rick laughed it off and told us we were speaking ‘nonsense.’ On a personal note, I’d like to announce I am rejoining the Newt 2012 team. Newt Gingrich is the only Republican candidate left who is not a flip-flopper, not an elitist, not for big government, and has never been unethical in any way in his many years of wonderful public service.”
In an interesting twist to the story, Rickey Minor and The Tonight Show Band have been invited to stay on board with the new show, to provide intro music and the occasional rim shot whenever Bachmann or Perry think they’ve made a good point. No word yet on whether they’ve accepted the offer.
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