A Letter from Mitt Romney « Borowitz Report


A Letter from Mitt Romney

Your Chance to Win $10,000


DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report) – Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney today issued the following open letter to America:

Dear American:

A lot of people are going around today saying that Mitt Romney is too rich and out-of-touch to be President.   Well, I am willing to bet you $10,000 I’m not.

I’m holding in my hand a crisp ten grand note that can be yours if I’m wrong.  I always walk around with a thick wad of these, just in case I need to tip a wine steward or light up a fat cigar.  In a pinch, I sometimes peel one off and use it to wipe my fanny.  You wouldn’t think Mitt Romney would ever run out of toilet paper, but when you live in a 11,000 square foot mansion with seventeen bathrooms, believe me, it happens!

I guess you could say I’ve always been a betting man.  Like earlier this fall, when Rick Perry accused me of using an illegal alien to cut my lawn in La Jolla.  Why, the next day I called out to yardman, “Jose, I’ll bet you $10,000 you’re legal.”  He didn’t take the bet, because he ran away and I never saw him again.  I guess betting isn’t a part of his culture, wherever he comes from.

And while we’re on the subject of being rich and out of touch, here’s something Mitt Romney would never do: run up a $500,000 tab at Tiffany buying diamond nipple rings for his third wife.  As the kids like to say, “Just sayin’.”

Vote for me,


 A Letter from Mitt Romney « Borowitz Report.

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